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NOMI’s STORY
From stuck to “I believe in magic”
How Nomi found her magic again, after fifteen years of "talking in circles" in traditional therapy.
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Meet Nomi.
An artist and food writer who joined us on retreat in 2022, and still thinks about her experience almost every day.
We talked to her about what led to her journey, what she got out of it, and where it's taken her since.
Here's what she experienced at Alalaho.
What made you consider joining a psychedelic retreat in the first place?
I've been in therapy a lot—when I was a teenager, and then I had seen a psychotherapist for the last 15 years of my life. I felt like I could talk myself to death.
What was coming up for you before your retreat?
One of my mechanisms is to seize control, and I knew the real work for me was around surrender. If I couldn’t let go, none of it was going to work — and that was terrifying.
I booked it eight months in advance. Even when I booked, I was scared. Part of me was saying, oh my God, I’m really doing this, it’s going to be amazing, and another part was like, if the universe thinks this is a bad idea, it’ll stop me. And then lockdown happened two days before, and I thought, okay, maybe that’s the sign. But really, it just showed me I had more work to do around surrendering.
I remember the summer before I was set to go to Alalaho, going to Disneyland. I treated it like a psychedelic experience —riding all the roller coasters, and just practicing letting go of control.
I knew I just needed to trust the process. To trust that everything's going to be fine at the end of it. To go through it, and just breathe, and stop screaming. And you just breathe into it. It really becomes a completely different experience. It's mindfulness.
“I felt like I was in a dark room, pitch black, but all of a sudden, someone's handed me a key, which means there's somewhere in that room a lock that I can put that key into, and there's going to be a window or a door...
oh, my God, there's more to whatever is here.”
What was your first impression when you finally arrived at the retreat?
Even when I got to the retreat, even that first day, I was so suspicious and looking for anything that seemed funny. But it just felt like the team really knew what they were doing. It didn't feel as if it was work for them — it felt like a life's mission. They were really there to help and support and experience the experience with us.
The venue was amazing — this countryside house in the Netherlands, like an old barn house with a beautiful garden and animals. The food was incredible. There was this woman who made vegan food, and it was just a celebration of everything. It felt healthy and wholesome and plenty.
It was all so perfectly constructed. All the activities in preparation and to integrate afterwards. It was so meticulously curated and designed that there was not a minute that felt like, oh, I would have done this differently. It was so well done.
Can you describe your actual journey?
My journey had two main things that happened. The first big thing really had a lot to do with my intention — the work I came to do. But I remember after getting that experience, it was like time for the mushrooms to be like, "Okay, well, now it's our turn. Where do you want to go?"
There's no words to describe how my mind just completely shattered and was completely disintegrated and reassembled. It was the most terrifying and the most challenging and the scariest and the most incredible — it was everything.
The message that came through loud and clear was to feel all the feelings. Everything, like, it was feeling all the feelings turned to volume ten. But even in all that intensity, I felt so held by the setting and the people around me.
“I remember coming out of it feeling like… I am the bravest person I know. Yes, what I had gone through. But also I did it.
I was so happy that I'd waited the time that I did and that I did it in a group setting... I felt so happy that I followed my heart.”
How did you feel after your experience?
After the experience, I was like, "This is magic. I believe in magic."
I remember coming out of it thinking, oh my God, I’m the bravest person I know. What I went through was huge — and I did it. I was so grateful I’d waited as long as I did, and that I chose to do it in a group setting, with people outside my own culture. And I was just so glad I followed my heart on that.
The group had a huge impact. Just leaving and knowing that I'm part of this tribe and that all of these people are in my hearts and I'm in theirs — incredible.
What was it like doing this experience with a group? That comes up a lot as something that makes people hesitate.
It’s interesting, because I thought about it a lot at the beginning. Part of me wanted to do it with other people, because I was scared of doing it alone. But then I also thought, if I’m with people, I can do things I’m not in control of — how embarrassing would that be? And what if there are 15 participants and four sitters, and I need someone, and nobody’s with me?
But in the end, the group was so, so important. Because it was also part of my experience, that feeling of tribe and going, you know, coming out of exile and coming back to being part of something bigger.
Today, I can’t imagine doing it one-on-one. The group experience was so powerful. I remember at the end feeling like we had all had our own journeys, but somehow we’d also shared everyone else’s too. It was this strange, beautiful feeling — I had no idea what anyone else went through, but it was like I was there with them. And that was amazing. That sense of tribe and belonging, and everything we did together afterwards in integration, was incredible.
What changed for you after the retreat?
I remember in the first few months after the retreat I suddenly started noticing how I was dealing with situations from a completely different kind of energy. Before, I’d always approached things in a very masculine way — pushing, controlling, bracing. And then, all of a sudden, it shifted. I was in my feminine tribe again, back in my body.
It wasn’t anything I consciously did. I couldn’t even put my finger on it at first — it was just that my emotional reactions were completely different, the way I carried myself was different. It was such a shock to realise it, because it unfolded slowly over those months. And it was big. It was such a gift.
A few weeks ago I went to my high school reunion, thirty years after I’d last seen those people. I honestly don’t think I would have gone without the retreat. It was so triggering — I walked in practically shaking, and I could feel myself reverting back to being 17, with all the anxieties I had back then. But then this incredible thing happened. It turned into a collective experience — a sense of we’re back home, this is our tribe. And it hit me: this is exactly what I experienced on the retreat.
And just, I think the retreat gave me that gift of realising that I am part of a tribe. And I've realised since then that I'm part of so many different tribes, and just that feeling of belonging. It's huge.
“For the first time, I can actually do work.
I just realized that the 15 years that I had a psychotherapist, there was basically no work done. It was just my mind talking, and there was no work done.
And so now that something is opened and I'm kind of able to feel my feelings, I feel like I can do work.”
How does the experience continue to show up in your life now?
I think about it practically every day because it was so humongous and it really was like a rebirth and a kind of shattering and reassembling.
I still feel I'm working with the wisdom that I received. It's still constantly relevant, and I still feel I have work to do with it.
I feel like the journey has both immediate therapeutic effects and something much longer-lasting. It’s almost like having an operation — they stitch you up after, and there's that initial healing — but it also feels like the psilocybin kind of gives you a roadmap. I still feel I haven't even started to digest it fully.
How is your relationship with therapy different now?
For the first time, I can actually do work.
I realised that the 15 years I had a psychotherapist, there was basically no work done. It was just my mind talking. I just realized that the 15 years I had a psychotherapist, there was basically no work done. It was just my mind talking.
Now I'm working with a different therapist, more of a body-mind therapist who's able to help with integration. It's different work, and I feel like for the first time I can do work. I can actually deal with pain and deal with memories and kind of deal with digesting and letting it pass through my body.
“I can't imagine doing it anywhere else or in a different context.
For me, it was such a sacred experience. There was so much thought and love and attention and care put into all of it. It was all so perfect and tailor-made.”
What would you tell someone considering an Alalaho retreat?
I think the thing with psychedelics is that if you find it and it finds you, then it's the right thing. You have to be willing to do the work, and brave enough to take that leap of faith. If you find it and it finds you, then it's the right thing. You have to be brave because you have to be willing to do this with a group of strangers, and you have to be willing to take that leap of faith.
For me, Alalaho was such a sacred experience. There was so much thought and love and attention and care put into all of it. It was all so perfectly constructed. All the activities in preparation and to integrate afterwards. It was so meticulously curated and designed that there was not a minute that felt like, Oh, I would have done this differently. It was so well done.
I can't imagine doing it anywhere else.
“After the experience, I was like: This is magic. I believe in magic.”
Want to experience the magic for yourself?
Join us for a life-changing psilocybin retreat.
